


Broken but not done yet

by Angelwinged_bish



Category: The Perks of Being a Wallflower - All Media Types
Genre: References to Depression, References to Supernatural (TV), Song: Stay With Me (Sam Smith), Stories To Save Lives, Suicidal Thoughts, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:14:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26371000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelwinged_bish/pseuds/Angelwinged_bish
Summary: I couldn’t remember the last time I felt and suddenly I felt everything, everything at once.Driving without knowing where I am, passing roads that once meant something I try to breathe and see through my tears. I Feel myself breaking but somehow on those roads I used to skateboard on I wanted to not be done yet.
Kudos: 2





	Broken but not done yet

As I walked out of the building that was supposed to be safe I was scared. A building that was supposed to get me help instead sat me down and told me things that ruined the muscles that kept my fake smile alive. I had worn that smile as much as I wore my favorite pair of vans, I needed it and now it was unavailable. I’m not sure how words broke me when I thought I had become impenetrable but they did. They said the right ones and I can’t find it in me to smile back to cover up how deep those word’s stab wounds are. I had become strong, I had stopped feeling because that was how I survived but suddenly I can, so what happens now?   
Walking to my car in the parking lot all I wanted to do was yell at you for making me this way but nothing came out. Separately we got in our cars but you drove away while I couldn’t see. I hadn’t cried in months, I hadn’t felt anything in years but I couldn’t see. I couldn’t breathe with how bad it hurt, the sound of my ragged breathing covered my crying whimpers. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt and suddenly I felt everything, everything at once.  
My sweatshirt stained with tears and my head light from the lack of oxygen I couldn’t stop. In the past when I had seemed to cry I would look in the mirror and see myself with disgust, why should I be crying-I wasn’t supposed to feel. I had to become something stronger and that meant I stopped crying and went on with my day. For some reason, in that car after I lost hope, I couldn’t find disgust in myself, I simply couldn’t stop. My thoughts whipped around in my head like the wind on your hand when you stick it out the window- horribly intense yet gone seconds later replaced with more.   
To make sure no-one found me like this, because I had to make people like what they saw, I started my car and began driving. I could barely see but soon I recognized the roads leading back to the streets I used to skateboard. The streets I skateboarded to feel the wind on my face and watch my shadow shift on the ground from the street lights. The streets that I spent hours on to get out of the house. The streets that felt more like a home did then any house. As I drove back over them the warm feeling that usually followed wasn’t there. In its place was hatred for making me love them. Hatred at the people who were supposed to make me feel loved but instead made me love escaping more. Leaving that road only hurt because I could feel now and, well it fucking sucked.  
I could feel for the first time in years and the only thing I felt was pain. It felt like it was being ripped out of me and it brought these memories with it. Things I had shoved down for so long I wasn’t even sure if it was real, were ripped to the surface. Making random turns and pushing the acceleration I couldn’t escape myself. I was not the person who walked into that building. When I walked in I had the hope of being fixed, they could save me from this battle I fight against myself everyday, they could help me win. When the words came out saying there was nothing they could do I died on the inside. It was like I could feel my heart stop and my thoughts explode. This day was what I had been fighting for- the day they would help me with this battle. They couldn’t though.  
So as I’m driving down these unseen roads trying to breathe and see through the waterfall of tears I feel myself breaking. I had felt broken before, when the fighting became wars that seemed never ending but this broken felt different. I felt like a different person. There was no-longer fighting to keep that person the same because that person was gone. I didn’t know where I had gone but I couldn’t smile. Those back roads get longer as I discover that this is a person without hope. I had been broken before but then I had hope someone would piece me back together, someone would give me a reason to stay. Now I can’t hear the music playing, I don’t know where I’m going, and I can feel myself shattering on the inside.   
Almost gone, that sliver of humanity that wanted to stay yet almost gone, was saved by a song.  
On the radio of my car that was driving me, “Stay With Me” by Sam Smith played. I had never particularly liked that song before but when it came on for some reason I could breathe again. As I turned up the volume to the point of endangering my speakers I could feel that sliver of humanity that wanted to stay anchor down inside of me. That little part wanted to stay. Wanted to see my friends one more time. Wanted to read about one more boy falling in love with another boy. Wanted to watch the finale of supernatural. Wanted to sing a song again. I had to fight and win on my own, for myself. I had my songs and my roads. I knew my reason to fight for now- I haven't heard the last song, I haven’t seen all the episodes to be made, I haven’t read all the books that make me believe in love, I’m not done yet.   
Somehow on those roads that lead me back to my skateboarding streets I wanted to not be done yet.


End file.
